I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
