Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
