walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
