Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea