I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.