Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
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All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
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I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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