wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
