apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I could fuck to npr.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
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