I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.