a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.