I can text with my tongue
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
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I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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