My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
