you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
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I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
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You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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