I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
