it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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