So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
