My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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