I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
