please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
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Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
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How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.