I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.