Non-Jews are for practice
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?