Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
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Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
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You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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