i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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