He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.