i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
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I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
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My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.