ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....