Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
