I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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