My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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