we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
