You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
