textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
