I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
