I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
they're reeeeeally big trays
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear