I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?