I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
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i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
I'm just looking out for you.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
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You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style