Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
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The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
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He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.