everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.