he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
If You’re Hot, It’s Easier For You To Do These 27 Things
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
23 Struggles Kids These Days Will Never Know
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.