just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
