My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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