you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
