Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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