whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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