I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
