..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
