i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
