Soap is not a condiment
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
