oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
foreskin is a definite game changer
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
