i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
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you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
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Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.