just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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