I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
