Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
i think i just naturally attract stoners
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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