I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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