She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
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I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
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I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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