Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.