I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.