we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
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She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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