Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
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I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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