I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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