Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
