Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.