fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
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Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
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The pigeons can smell the fear
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes